A Harry Potter Fanfic from a 3.5 Floppy Disc
The original title of this is “Peter Potter and the Fellowship of the Hidalgo Pirates,” a mashup of Peter Pan, Lord of the Rings, Hidalgo, Pirates of the Caribbean, and of course, Harry Potter. It started when my sister and I were bored, and wrote one word at a time to create some ridiculous tales. Once we had a few hilarious (to our 14 year-old selves) scenes, we started writing once sentence each, interchangeably. It made the plot constantly weaving and unpredictable, and ridiculous. If you’re into that, enjoy! Because this is a heck of a ride. It was too out there to NOT share.
Also, I’m sorry. We did NOT know how to properly format dialogue.
A young bespectacled boy of about 16 woke up to find himself most impertinently surrounded by wizards!
“Bighead!” said Voldemort, “We’ve come for yer life!”
“Who be you to order me about and call me bighead!” said Harry indignantly. With that he pointed his wand at Voldemort. However, Voldemort did so first.
“Avada Kedavra!” He said, but missed. Suddenly, he saw a flying boy at the window.
“I’m Ron. Weasley.” He said proudly and they flew away in his Ford Anglia.
They managed to reach London before they crashed into the Kings Cross Station and totalled the car. Soon they discovered the train wasn’t due for another three weeks, and they were forced to take the Knight Bus to the Burrow. The bus pulled up suddenly as Harry stuck up his wand hand. Pimply Stan was snorting dried dragon droppings out his nose. Ron recoiled in hysterics, though he loved Stan’s pimples more than his freckles. Harry had an odd expression on his face and started to hit his peanuts against the wall to crack them. This sight reminded Ron vaguely of Peeves. Mad-Eye Moody was on the bus, and laughed hoarsely while picking peanuts out of Harry’s ear. When they arrived at the Burrow, Ron snogged himself and Harry looked disgusted until Hermione snogged him back. Then, Ron pulled Hermione into his brother’s room. Fred saw everything.
* * *
They returned to the kitchen half an hour later with Fred looking as if he’d been petrified. Harry was chopping fresh figs he’d gotten from Mundungus.
“Did Ron corner you after we arrived?” Inquired Harry in a businesslike manner.
“No we were studying.” Retorted Hermione uncomfortably.
Ron rolled around on the floor laughing jubilantly. Harry had a look on his face as if Snape grew boils on his overlarge nose. They all went into the lounge and sat down. Hermione pulled out a roll of parchment and began to write. Harry glanced over and saw it was addressed to Krum. Abruptly Ron jumped into the air and said, “You player!” With that he fled from the Burrow.
“Yeah?” Hermione yelled after him. “Your mum!” Mrs. Weasley looked over at her concerned.
“Yes Hermione, dear?”
“Nothing.” Said Hermione hastily.
“Hermione!” Said Harry in a shocked voice. “That wasn’t very nice.” Ron burst back into the Burrow, his ears magenta, and ripped the letter into a million pieces. Harry doubled over with laughter but Hermione cried because it was only a letter to dump Krum. She told Ron and he broke into a wide grin then ran jubilantly past a still terrified Fred.
* * *
After the train ride to Hogwarts, Fred came to his senses and was no longer petrified, but still badly shaken. He decided to take his anger out on Cedric and Cho in the Entrance Hall.
“Git.” Said Fred who hated Cedric. Cedric cried as George pummelled Cho, who said, “I will wear nothing to bed.” Harry smiled and glanced at Ron who winked. Hermione tutted and just as Snape walked into the Hall she ran headlong into him. His head exploded with a great bang.
“Well,” said Ron, “His head was rather large to begin with.” Harry stifled a laugh for no particular reason, since the only teacher around had just had his cranium blasted apart. Hermione laughed and McGonagall walked in behind her. She completely ignored Snape’s busted brain cells now inhabiting the floor of the Hall. Ron strode over to her and kissed her on the hand. Hermione gasped and became quite jealous shoving McGonagall into the puddle of brains.
“Hermione,” Ron asked crossly, “Why aren’t we frogs?”
“Prat!” Harry retorted. (He was evidently on Hermione’s side.) Ron shrugged.
Hermione shrieked, “Arrogant Puff!”
Ron repeated Harry’s comment. “Prat!”
There was a sudden distraction, as Fred pushed Cho into Snape’s pile of brains. Cedric cried, “Gred! Why aren’t his brains edible?”
George retorted, “Duh! They stink!”
Cho slipped on top the arms of Filch (who had just entered to remove Snape’s brains and McGonagall’s unconscious body) and he poked her eyeballs.
“Argh!” Harry roared. And that Filch ended up dead.
* * *
Harry fancied a visit to Hagrid’s so he and Ron made their way to his house. Hermione however, stayed in the Great Hall to study. When he got to the old wooden door, he flung it open to find something odd. Ron uttered a disgusting swearword.
Cautiously, Harry asked, “Hagrid, what are you doing?” Hagrid his crossbow out and was pointing it towards a strangely dressed man with a sword. Hagrid sighed.
“This bloke pulled his sword on me jus’ cause I wouldn’ call him Captain Jack Sparrow.”
“What a nutter…” muttered Ron as he inspected the man’s braided beard and unkempt hair.
“What’s your name?” The man inquired.
“Harry James Potter.” Harry replied.
“Good strong name. No doubt named fer yer father eh?”
Harry glanced at Ron who shrugged and raised his eyebrows. Jack wobbled on the spot and smiled widely. Suddenly he dashed out of the house and commandeered the Durmstrang ship. Quite peculiarly, Karkaroff rushed out of the hospital wing, accompanied by Snape, a bandage on his head, beginning to unravel.
“Stop!” Karkaroff yelled after Jack. “That’s got to be the best muggle I’ve ever seen.” he announced.
“So it would seem.” Snape said sourly.
Summoning his Firebolt, Harry and Ron flew towards the ship but Jack shot it down saying, “Pirate!” in a mocking voice. The two boys climbed up the ship, seized Jack’s pistol and made him walk the plank.
“Did you hear him hit the water?” said Harry to Ron, “Cause I didn’t.”
“The squid probably sucked him up its butt!” said Ron completely losing his head.
“Fire the Chudley Cannons!” said Ron in a voice of mock importance as a flying figure went past.
“Harry?” said Ron uncertainly, “Is that your Firebolt?”
“No!” It yelled. “I’m Peter Pan!” said the boy as it landed with Jack in his arms.
“You forgot the code!” said Jack.
“Who?” said Peter.
Jack looked quizzically at Peter and announced, “You’ll always remember this as the day you almost saved Captain Jack Sparrow!” and with that he jumped off the ship. Peter looked at Harry, then at Ron.
“Nutter.” Said Ron.
Harry nodded and prepared to hop onto his Firebolt, but was interrupted by Peter.
“Think happy thoughts!”
“Okay.” Said Harry, who produced a Patronus that knocked Peter off the ship. Harry saw a giant tentacle reach up and seize the boy. With a great gulp he was gone.
“Strange folk, aren’t they, muggles?” Said Ron. “I reckon they both escaped from the nuthouse.” Peter flew up again and yelled, “Get me fairy dust!” before sinking below the surface.
“Ahhhhh!” yelled Lockhart, immediately thinking of Cornish Pixies.
“Where’d he come from?” asked Harry, apparently confused.
“Mungo’s.” said Ron.
“How?” Both Harry and Ron swivelled to see where the voice came from. It was a remarkable sight. Jack was standing sopping wet at the bow of the ship apparently impressed with himself. Suddenly Hermione rushed onto the boat.
“You’ll never guess who’s in the Great Hall!”
“A flying boy?” both Harry and Ron said.
“How’d you know?” Hermione inquired curiously.
“Wild guess.” Ron muttered.
Jack stepped forward. “Anyone have rum?”
“No.” said Ron. “How’s a Firewhisky?”
“But where’s the rum?” Jack asked desperately.
“I’ve got some but you can’t have it!” an odd man said from the bow of the ship.
“My name is Frank Hopkins.” He announced. “Some weird lil’ girl in that castle made my horse fly, so here I am and my horse is somewhere over northern London.”
Spotting Frank’s flask Jack started. “Rum!” He yelled and he and Frank Hopkins started fighting.
“You gotta find yourself a girl mate.” Jack said.
“Almost did.” Said Frank.
“You’re not a eunuch are you?”
“Almost was.” Said Frank uncomfortably. Jack took the opportunity of Frank’s distraction to poke him off the ship but not before snatching his flask of Rum.
“It’s bloody empty.” Jack said sorrowfully.
“Peter Pan is in the Great Hall!” Hermione yelled.
“How?” Ron asked.
“I don’t know!” Harry cried.
“Let’s go!” They all ran towards the castle, Jack not far behind.
“Ooh! A castle! I love castles! Drinks all around!” Jack called after them.
* * *
The four burst through the doors of the Great Hall and discovered a very odd sight indeed. From Harry’s left were Ron, Hermione and Snape with his oversized turban bandages. Next were McGonagall, Dumbledore and Karkaroff. Then Pan, slightly hovering as if to show off, followed by Frank, still horseless, and last but not least, Jack, standing in the middle of the doorway on Harry’s right. All together they formed a circle in the Hall.
Ron glared at Peter. “Howd’you get out of the lake?” He demanded.
“I just thought happy thoughts…and they lifted me into the air!” said Peter. As if to demonstrate his verbalization he soared up in attempt to sit on the ceiling but failed miserably and flew through the ceiling into the night sky.
“I thought it was just enchanted!” said Hermione in a confused and disappointed voice.
A stunned silence filled the Great Hall, which was soon broken by a dappled horse plummeting from the ceiling and landing heavily onto its feet on the floor. This event shook the Hall, yet nobody moved as Frank mounted the horse and rode away into the sunset.
By now, nearly all of the Hogwarts students had hobbled sleepily into the Hall in their nightclothes, in attempt to discover the source of all the noise. One student was particularly noticeable in his bright red romper with choo-choo trains and teddy bears along with furry purple slippers.
“Malfoy?” said Harry, not bothering to stifle a laugh. Soon the whole Great Hall was in hysterics.
Snape glared at Harry. “I think it’s the latest in wizarding fashion. Ten points from Gryffindor for being out of style.”
Ron piped up, “Then you’ll have to take a hundred from Slytherin, Malfoy looks like the Easter bunny!”
Malfoy whipped his wand out and pointed it at Ron, but before he could utter a word the crowd separated and Malfoy was shoved aside. Standing in front of them all were eight odd looking people.
“How on earth are all these people getting here?” Shrieked Hermione in a desperately confused voice.” This place is unplottable and muggle protected!”
The leader of the group, and the tallest was sporting a long white robe, and looked quite like he fit in at Hogwarts. He spoke at that point.
“I am Gandalf the White Wizard, accompanying the eight remaining of the fellowship of the ring. Who are you?” He inquired gesturing to Dumbledore.
“I am Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorcerer, Chief Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, a member of the International Confederation of Wizards, and Wizengamot.” He said calmly, before adding, “I am the headmaster of this school accompanying some thousands of students and their teachers.” He winked at Harry who smiled and had to hold back a laugh.
A short fat man stepped forwards. “I am Gimli, a dwarf.” He said. He had reddish hair and armour like that of a Viking’s.
Another stepped out and spoke. “I am Legolas of the Forest Elves.” He had long blonde hair, similar to Lucius Malfoy’s, yet not as slicked and his face was kinder. He had blue eyes and pointed ears, and looked like anything but the elves Harry knew. Harry thought vaguely of Dobby.
Another man came forth and announced his name. “I am Aragorn, a man and a king.” He looked like a man, so no odd looks appeared on anyone’s faces.
Then four short men stepped forwards. One with brown curly hair spoke up.
“I’m Frodo Baggins and this is Sam Gamgee,” He gestured towards a plump blond man, “This is Merribel or Merry Brandybuck,” a short man with a large nose and curly sandy brown hair, “and Peregrin or Pippin Took.” He pointed at a man with a peaky nose and thin face.
Suddenly a bang echoed in the Great Hall causing Malfoy and two first years to shriek and run back to their dormitories.
Ron laughed. “What a git.”
“What was that noise?” Hermione asked, but no one needed to look very far, because a firework zoomed around the Hall spelling out the word POO. Merry and Pippin looked intrigued and bolted towards the source of the fireworks. Minutes later Merry and Pippin came bursting through a doorway, their hands full of Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes merchandise.
“What the…” Ron murmured. Merry and Pippin grinned and chucked a firework into the air. Immediately it ignited and smashed a window. Dumbledore chuckled appreciatively and pointed his wand at it.
“Reparo.” He said serenely.
Unexpectedly a voice was heard amidst the crowd. “So…” It said, “Anyone got any rum?” Jack wobbled towards the tables and Dumbledore nodded.
“Why yes, in the kitchens, I’ll lead you myself.”
Snape scowled. “Is it necessary to have such drunkards in our school?” He muttered.
“Severus, I think it wise to send our students to bed.”
“Slytherins!” Snape yelled. “To bed!”
McGonagall did likewise, as did Sprout and Vector. When all the head of houses and students had disappeared all that remained were Ron, Harry, Hermione, and the fellowship of the rings, with the exception of Merry and Pippin who had soared away on Fred and George’s broomsticks. Suddenly the door burst open again.
“No!” A squeaky voice echoed. “This is against all magical decrees passed! I shall not have this!” Umbridge declared.
“Well, she’s stopped chasing Peeves then.” Said Ron. “Wonder where he is now?” Umbridge flared her nostrils and shoved all the fellowship out the door.
“I shall not have this!” She announced. “Out! Out!” When all were gone, Umbridge faced the three.
“Now.” She whispered threateningly. “What shall we do with you?”
Peeves soared in through the ceiling cackling madly. “Ooh ickle Umbridge is frightfully upset!” He then looked at Harry. “Potty wee Potter!” He said in shock. He had a contorted look on his face as if he couldn’t decide whom he hated more.
The door banged open for what seemed like the thousandth time that night and Jack burst in with a tankard of Rum in one and a satchel of galleons in the other. “Is this not the pub?” He asked vaguely before turning to leave.
Dumbledore stepped in as he left and looked at Umbridge then Peeves. “Well.” He said tranquilly, “Potter, Granger, Weasley, to bed with you. Dolores, to the ministry and Peeves I believe there are some chalkboards in the northern wing that aren’t quite covered in rude words yet.” He chuckled to himself.
Harry walked up the Gryffindor tower with Hermione and Ron.
“Well, that was an odd few days.” He muttered.
Ron nodded in dull assent. “Yeah mate, tell me about it.” He said as Hermione turned to leave for her dormitory.
“Well, goodnight then.” She said and kissed Ron on the cheek before disappearing behind the door.
Ron rubbed his cheek. “I’d forgotten about that.” He murmured as he and Harry continued to their beds. As they got into bed they fell into a dreamless sleep for the first time in months. (Except for Ron, but he wasn’t about to tell anyone.)
* * *
On the way out of the common room the next morning Harry caught up with Ron and Hermione at the portrait of the fat lady.
“So, I suppose it was all a dream then, yeah?” Harry asked.
“Yeah…” Ron nodded and Hermione spoke.
“The probability of us all having the same dream is rare Ron.” She said.
Suddenly, a bang echoed from the hearthrug. Merry and Pippin sat with Fred and George experimenting with some potions.
“Hermione,” Ron said in disbelief, “Are you always right?”